Monday, October 25, 2010

Will You Live To 100??

So I'm flipping through the pages of Famous Footwear's popular Mind Body Sole magazine - not because I subscribe, 'cause you can't,  but because it was thrown into my bag by the cashier at Famous Footwear, where, if I might add, I purchased a pair of awesome boots at 1/2 off (Go me!).

I came across an article entitled 20 Signs You Might Live To 100. I was intrigued. Then I was pissed. Then I just laughed and sipped my coffee.

I know this looks long, but I think it's an easy read...here we go: 

1. You eat purple food.  Hmmmm...Purple food? Usually, when food reaches that other worldly color, I employ the Old Wive's Tale: "when in doubt, throw it out."  Do purple gummy bears count?

2. You have been a college freshman. As in for Halloween? Does it count if I dropped out of college as a sophomore from a heroin addiction? Oh, that's fine? Great.  Well, I'm good, not only have a "been" a freshman, I actually graduated from college. Maybe this one will counter the whole purple food thing. 

3. You have a drama-free marriage.  Hahahahah! Wait. They're serious? I think marriage is synonymous with drama. We play the parts that we are assigned each day, acting on a stage for some imaginary audience. I swear I've even heard an applause a time or two. They can't be serious. Okay, this one's out. I have four kids, drama we got. 

4. You enjoy good friendships. Nah, I hate good friendships. Give me the backstabbing, husband stealing, dumps all over me kind of friend. Alright, we got this one. I do enjoy me a good friendship (and a nice Merlot on the side).


5. You have strong legs. (I am NOT making this up). What am I a horse? Do I need to be pulling things with these legs somewhere in my 80s. No, I don't have strong legs.

So far, so good... maybe I'll live to 90.

6. You set goals. Yes,  I do. Like writing a blog about this stupid list. 


7. You feel 13 years younger than you are. That would be 33. I was a leaky, chubby, postpartum mess at 33.  No. I feel more like 7 1/2 years younger.


8. You have a positive outlook on life. Well, I am positive I won't live to 100. So that's one for me.


9. You're outgoing.  Nope. Shy as they come until you get to know me. So, do I get 1/2 credit for this one?

10.You've got skinny friends. Now. I don't mean to be mean. Remember, they're making me answer this! My dear friends, although I did enjoy our "good friendships," I understand we can't be friends anymore. Hold on...what exactly is the definition of skinny? I might be able to get off on a technicality, here. But if not, I want to thank all my "friends" for costing me several years of my life!

I guess I'm down to, what? 80? And friendless at this point. Where can I get me some skinny friends. Not the gym, remember? I voted her off.


11. You don't have a housekeeper. OMG as we speak, she is cleaning my kitchen. I kid you not. She's not live-in mind you, and it's my one indulgence...really! Shit. Apparently, I need to clean my own toilets to live longer - that sucks!

12. You often walk instead of drive. I do NOT - let me repeat this - DO NOT live in the city, this one is NOT my fault. Everything is at least 15 minutes away. I haven't brought home hot Mac Donald's fries in 15 years.


13. You do aerobic activity 5 hours a week. Well, I do step class once a week. Um, I run up and down my stairs a....lot.....okay, I can't even fool myself that I can get to 5 hours.

14. You don't like burgers. I actually don't. I'll take the turkey burger any day.

15. You skip cola including diet. YES! Except once in a while when I get my Burger King, I must get a Coke to go with it. I'm giving myself this one.

70's still old, right?

16. You love tea. Love is a strong word. I like tea. He shows up on cold afternoons makes me all warm and fuzzy, rubs my feet, listens to me complain. It's nice. Now...why couldn't they say coffee? I love coffee? We have an amazing relationship. It can be exciting and dangerous sometimes (think drinking and driving). He's very dependable - he shows up each morning and gets my engine going!


17. You limit calories to 1, 400 to 2, 000 a day. Does that include liquid calories? No? Then, definitely.


18. You don't snore. I DO NOT snore. Wait. How would I know this? My husband is too busy snoring to notice. Nope, I can't imagine me snoring, so I don't.

19. You weren't overweight as a teen. I was not.

20. You have a flat belly. Okay, what is the definition of flat? I have had 4 children. This is not fair.  What is this flat belly shit! Let me ask my husband. Yes, he says it's flat.

Let's see I answered 10 out of 20 the correct way. Does this mean I'm gonna make it to  50?? I'm pissed.

Dear Mind Body Sole magazine people,

I like to make a comment about that stupid list you have in your magazine on living to 100. You know the one with skinny friends? I would like to know if you guys have ever seen Willard Scott's centurions on The Today Show? Yeah, those people on the jelly jars. Um, they ain't eatin' no purple food and drinkin' tea. Half of them say it's alcohol, chocolate and sex that gets them to 100. I'm gonna go with their list, thank you very much.

Your list sucks!

Respectfully,

Diane

9 comments:

  1. I love this list...altho, I can't be sure if I'm gonna live to be 100 years old or not! Purple food?...I don't think so! Drama-free marriage?....helllooo....my whole life is FULL of Drama! I love Cheeseburgers, I hate Tea and I snore like a wounded animal giving birth! I'm with you, Diane....I'm throwing away THIS list!

    You're a hoot and I love reading your posts....I 'shouted out' your blog today and wrote about your bologna post you posted on 10/1/2010. Come over and take a look, girlfriend! (You're featured!)

    Oh, and I'm your newest follower....

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  2. A wounded animal giving birth...LOL!!! You crack me up Jenny!

    Thank you so much for "shouting" a post of mine. How awesome! And thanks for your kind comments. Awwww.. I'm gonna go check out your site!

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  3. That is one crazy - ahem, INTERESTING list! I must admit that there are several I'd answer yes to, but there are more that I'd have to answer no to!

    Silly magazine article...My dad works at a senior citizens' home where their eldest resident lived to be 109 - she died this summer, one month shy of her 110th birthday. And there are residents up there well into their 90s or 100 (or over). I'll just go ask THEM what the secret to living longer is! =)

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  4. Yay...so this means I'm probably going to die before I'm 50. Fan-freaking-tastic.

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  5. lessee... I don't set goals, I am not outgoing, the only way I would have a flat stomach is with a tummy tuck. Probably I eat more than 1,400 calories a day, actually I don't want to know the truth of that one. And I live in the country. It's a 20 minute drive to the 'corner store' with nary a sidewalk in sight. So it looks like I have about 10-15 years of life left.

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  6. Sabrina get back to us on that. 110 wow! I bet they all say alcohol :)
    Sara - Nooky...I'm still laughing!
    Stacey - we don't have sidewalks either!! Like I'd walk if they did - LOL

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  7. Yeah, I'm going with the other list, too.

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  8. Dear Diane,
    Mother Hen here.
    Have you ever seen a chicken that was 100? It's not a pretty sight.
    Actually, 100-year-old humans are not so hot either, when it comes down to it.
    Mother H. once had a Great-Aunt Hen who said, "There is such a thing as being too old." The old bird was a bit short on feathers, but her noggin worked just fine.
    Anyway, chickens don't eat anything purple. It makes their caca look funny.
    Youthfully yours,
    Mother Hen
    http://motherhensnest.wordpress.com
    (Close friend of your fellow SITS girl Jodi Edwards Wright)

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  9. That's right. We don't really want ways to make it to 100, we want ways to look and feel 50/60 for 40 more years. No one likes funny looking caca (ha)!

    Nice to meet you M.Hen.

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