Monday, October 25, 2010
Will You Live To 100??
I came across an article entitled 20 Signs You Might Live To 100. I was intrigued. Then I was pissed. Then I just laughed and sipped my coffee.
I know this looks long, but I think it's an easy read...here we go:
1. You eat purple food. Hmmmm...Purple food? Usually, when food reaches that other worldly color, I employ the Old Wive's Tale: "when in doubt, throw it out." Do purple gummy bears count?
2. You have been a college freshman. As in for Halloween? Does it count if I dropped out of college as a sophomore from a heroin addiction? Oh, that's fine? Great. Well, I'm good, not only have a "been" a freshman, I actually graduated from college. Maybe this one will counter the whole purple food thing.
3. You have a drama-free marriage. Hahahahah! Wait. They're serious? I think marriage is synonymous with drama. We play the parts that we are assigned each day, acting on a stage for some imaginary audience. I swear I've even heard an applause a time or two. They can't be serious. Okay, this one's out. I have four kids, drama we got.
4. You enjoy good friendships. Nah, I hate good friendships. Give me the backstabbing, husband stealing, dumps all over me kind of friend. Alright, we got this one. I do enjoy me a good friendship (and a nice Merlot on the side).
5. You have strong legs. (I am NOT making this up). What am I a horse? Do I need to be pulling things with these legs somewhere in my 80s. No, I don't have strong legs.
So far, so good... maybe I'll live to 90.
6. You set goals. Yes, I do. Like writing a blog about this stupid list.
7. You feel 13 years younger than you are. That would be 33. I was a leaky, chubby, postpartum mess at 33. No. I feel more like 7 1/2 years younger.
8. You have a positive outlook on life. Well, I am positive I won't live to 100. So that's one for me.
9. You're outgoing. Nope. Shy as they come until you get to know me. So, do I get 1/2 credit for this one?
10.You've got skinny friends. Now. I don't mean to be mean. Remember, they're making me answer this! My dear friends, although I did enjoy our "good friendships," I understand we can't be friends anymore. Hold on...what exactly is the definition of skinny? I might be able to get off on a technicality, here. But if not, I want to thank all my "friends" for costing me several years of my life!
I guess I'm down to, what? 80? And friendless at this point. Where can I get me some skinny friends. Not the gym, remember? I voted her off.
11. You don't have a housekeeper. OMG as we speak, she is cleaning my kitchen. I kid you not. She's not live-in mind you, and it's my one indulgence...really! Shit. Apparently, I need to clean my own toilets to live longer - that sucks!
12. You often walk instead of drive. I do NOT - let me repeat this - DO NOT live in the city, this one is NOT my fault. Everything is at least 15 minutes away. I haven't brought home hot Mac Donald's fries in 15 years.
13. You do aerobic activity 5 hours a week. Well, I do step class once a week. Um, I run up and down my stairs a....lot.....okay, I can't even fool myself that I can get to 5 hours.
14. You don't like burgers. I actually don't. I'll take the turkey burger any day.
15. You skip cola including diet. YES! Except once in a while when I get my Burger King, I must get a Coke to go with it. I'm giving myself this one.
70's still old, right?
16. You love tea. Love is a strong word. I like tea. He shows up on cold afternoons makes me all warm and fuzzy, rubs my feet, listens to me complain. It's nice. Now...why couldn't they say coffee? I love coffee? We have an amazing relationship. It can be exciting and dangerous sometimes (think drinking and driving). He's very dependable - he shows up each morning and gets my engine going!
17. You limit calories to 1, 400 to 2, 000 a day. Does that include liquid calories? No? Then, definitely.
18. You don't snore. I DO NOT snore. Wait. How would I know this? My husband is too busy snoring to notice. Nope, I can't imagine me snoring, so I don't.
19. You weren't overweight as a teen. I was not.
20. You have a flat belly. Okay, what is the definition of flat? I have had 4 children. This is not fair. What is this flat belly shit! Let me ask my husband. Yes, he says it's flat.
Let's see I answered 10 out of 20 the correct way. Does this mean I'm gonna make it to 50?? I'm pissed.
Dear Mind Body Sole magazine people,
I like to make a comment about that stupid list you have in your magazine on living to 100. You know the one with skinny friends? I would like to know if you guys have ever seen Willard Scott's centurions on The Today Show? Yeah, those people on the jelly jars. Um, they ain't eatin' no purple food and drinkin' tea. Half of them say it's alcohol, chocolate and sex that gets them to 100. I'm gonna go with their list, thank you very much.
Your list sucks!