Saturday, October 30, 2010

"There Must Be 8 Uninspiring Ways To Leave Your Lover"

I'm not one to gripe.

Yes I am, what the hell am I talking about.

Anyway, I was driving home and this song came on by Paul Simon "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover". And I start thinking. Am I an alcoholic? No. That's not what I was thinking.

How old is this dang song anyway? Let me Google that. 1975. That was easy. Love me some Google. Even though it always sounds so dirty. I'm gonna go Google him. Oh, yes! While I was Googling him, my husband walked in and...oh no!!

I'm not even going to say "I digress", because I think this post might be the digression and I should really just write about how Googling is awesome, and have you ever googled yourself? You have.  You know it. Lordy be.

Back to Paul. What is up with this song? He tells me there are 50 ways to leave your lover and then only hands out 8. And they're lame!!! Lame I tell you!!!! Where are the other 42 ways??

Shall we look at these 8 ways a little closer? (you had to know that was coming).

"You just slip out the back, Jack." Just leave without telling her. Not bad. But I hope he's got a plan. Otherwise, he's going to be calling about the crap he left behind and the money she owes him and who gets the dog. 

"Make a new plan, Stan." Hmmm.. see what I mean? You need a plan. We are talking about the get-away plan, right?  Paul, this is where you help him figure out exactly what that brilliant plan is. That's why he's listening to your damned song.

"You don't need to be coy, Roy." You really think if Roy wanted to end things, he'd be, of all things, coy. I just am not buying it. And that's a stupid piece of advice. Tell him what he should say, at least.

"Just listen to me."
All ears Paul. All ears. Paul? Paul? You there Paul?

"Hop on the bus, Gus."  Is this after you've slipped out the back? Or are we waking her up early one morning and waving the bus ticket in her face? So many questions, Paul.

"You don't need to discuss much."  Sure, why drag it out with discussion? Just go. 'Cause if you start talking you might be coy, and then we're back to square one.

"Just drop off the key, Lee."  Yes, Lee, go to her house, hand her the key and leave . This one might be the only piece of actual advice he gives. There's decisive action and like he says next...

"And get yourself free." Wow, Paul, you could have saved us both a lot of time. You should have called this song "There's Only One Way To Leave Your Lover".

Drop off the f'in key!

How's this Paul... I'm gonna mail you the new book I just wrote. It's called "50 Ways to Google your Lover."

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