Saturday, September 18, 2010

My Sunday Morning Addiction

So here I am Sunday morning. It's way before the kids get up and my husband is still snoring lightly. Feeling a little guilty, I'm about to do what I know I shouldn't. I've tried to quit. I know it's not good for me. I am sure it's causing brain damage. But, I am powerless.

Click. The room fills with that unnatural blue light. It doesn't take long - two maybe three clicks to find one. It has gotten to the point where the brand doesn't even matter. I am dependent, hooked and in need of help.

But look...the people...they are so happy. Those aren't fake smiles. Look at them sitting there in that make-believe world that is that kitchen. Look around at all the beautifully prepared little bowls of vegetables and fruits. And the cheese tray, look....don't you see?? We know the little elves that got up in the wee hours of the morning to peel and chop are tuckered out and sleeping happy, little elfin' dreams. It's all good 'cause we know if we buy into this we may have little elves preparing for us, too. We believe.

I watch. Unabashedly I will watch. Every meal prepared in under 10 seconds. Every smoothie and sorbet (I KNOW I would make these every day just like the woman in the front row said she would) whipped up in 3 seconds with all natural ingredients! But wait...there's a hold out. A man several seats away from her, he's...can it be....frowning...he...doesn't....believe. They spy him. Oh, he's in for it. As they gaze into his face they tell him to behold. He's shaking his head - can you believe this guy?? They prepare for him not just a milk shake, no, but a chocolate, mint milk shake made with those candy mint wheels. Yes, mint wheels ground to minty perfection. As they hand it to him, he eyes it suspiciously, takes a sip and....Yes!!! He smiles. He loves it! He's a believer. Whew!

Back on track. Mixing guacamole, cheese sauce, marinara. Is there no end? No end to the magic? Clean up's a breeze (of course it is). Oh look, they show a clip of a woman completely struggling with her "old blender". She's got bubbles up her arms, on her nose, a mess in the sink, she's just about in tears. Please, help her! Send her one...pronto! They will save us all from that horror!

My heart's pumping, adrenaline coursing through my veins. I've reached a high like no other (well, some might say low...they're not my friends anymore). It's bliss. I sit back on my pillow to take it all in. I'm smiling and hoping my squeals and yelps haven't awoken anyone.

Then, as is bound to happen 'cause it happens every time, they reach the part where my little fantasy comes crashing all around me. It has to be this way. I know this. I have things to do today - goodness. It's very painful but never painful enough to make me want to quit. Some might say it's part of the sickness. I brace myself. I try and avert my eyes but I am still under the spell...still powerless. Here it comes...

4 Easy Payments of $33.33. Like ripping a band-aid off quickly! It's over before I realize it. They do try and make it easy for me. They tell me if I order in the next 18 minutes, I can take 1 payment away. Oh, how sneaky they are. But I am not fooled - or rather I am, but my husband would kill me. And I know, yes I do that there's always next Sunday. A skin cream perhaps? A miracle workout program?

I'll be there.


  1. I found you from secret spineless whine, and I wanted to ask if I can read your blog, and tell you I love your style of writing.

  2. Thank you - that is so nice. Welcome!

  3. OMG Di... OMGGGGG!!! I almost pee'd... I even had to read it aloud (in my animated over the top way) to Quinn...

    I'm so happy right now.. I LOVE to laugh... this totally hit the spot!!

  4. I read it the same way with Spense -that's so funny! He was laughing, too. Glad you both enjoyed!

  5. Enjoyed this one quite a bit. I relate, as I am addicted to home shopping network or whatever it is, love watching them sell anything. I never buy, just watch.