Friday, August 27, 2010

I've Been Duped By The Universe




I know how it works: "You get what you put out there"; "You reap what you sow"; and my personal favorite "Be careful what you wish for".

So, here I am not hours engaged and I know I need to have a serious talk with my betrothed about a couple of marital issues. It can not wait. If I don't speak now I will most assuredly have to forever hold my peace. I am woman. That can be very hard to do. Yup. Needs to be said.

First, I don't do throw-up. I throw up, of course (maybe only 4 or 5 times in my life) but still I am human, I throw up. What I can't handle is other people's vomit. I mean there is a real phobia about this and I have it. I'm not proud of this but I have actually jumped out of a moving car because some drunk idiot I was driving (yes, I was the driver, but to my credit we were at a stop sign so at most it was 2 or 3 miles per hour and I was able to jump back in when I noticed the car wasn't in park) was going to lose it in my car - correction - my mother's car. It's bad. I know. Fortunately, vomiting never really happened a lot in my family. And fortunately I don't have a lot of drunken idiots for friends. Any hooooo...I knew my husband and I wanted a family. Lots of little people running around and screwing up our perfectly quiet, clean house...whatever...it'll be awesome! Then came the nagging thought about children and vomiting. OMG!!! Kids do this all the time, right?? WTF! I am not going to be able to handle that! Who the hell is going to clean up the puke?

Second, I love Sting. I just do. I've loved him since I was seventeen and "Ghost in the Machine" was released. I've seen him in concert, watched all the sappy movies he's been in, own many of his c.d.s. I fantasize about a lot of beautiful actors, singers...(sorry honey) but with Sting it's different. I am hoping to retire to Italy in the hopes of running into him at the local market. Trudy and my husband have either died or well...I don't spend much time on that part of the fantasy, as you can well imagine. So, what am I going to do on the off chance that Sting comes into my life and wants to be with me? And I'm married? I love my husband, but this is Sting. This needs to be addressed.

I thought it would be difficult bringing these up to my guy. But it wasn't. I explained in gory detail all of it (minus a few details with Sting, 'cause I don't need to rub that in). He was fine with it, with both issues - what a guy!

He said that if and when a child vomits he will take care of it. "What if it happens at work?" He said to close the door of the room it happened in, call him and he'll come home. Yipee!!!

He said that if Sting came into my life, wanted me, he would give us our blessings and may we be very happy together. Double Yipee!!!

Flash forward 20 years. We have four awesome kids that...get this....NEVER throw up.

Now I'm thinking. My husband made a deal that with all the vomit from four children, he would clean it and it has so far become a non-issue. He also agreed that if Sting came into my life, I could go off happily with him ...and...

Awwwww crap!

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