Monday, August 30, 2010

My Oven Has It In For Me

You know how your oven beeps to let you know that it's reached the temperature you set it for? Well, mine has five beeps. And these five beeps aren't just any five beeps! No. These five beeps play out the exact notes of that damnable song..."Loving You" by the ever popular Minnie Riperton. And I think it's enjoying watching me suffer.

I'll be innocently and lovingly going about my day, making muffins or cookies for the kids when...BOOM...I'm all "Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful" and "making love to you is all I want to do" What???...shhh the kids'll hear you. Then come those five f'in notes "la la la la la" and sometimes, God help me and anyone in hearing range, I make it to that Godawful scream...

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Rescue ME

Love this show!


Friday, August 27, 2010

I've Been Duped By The Universe

I know how it works: "You get what you put out there"; "You reap what you sow"; and my personal favorite "Be careful what you wish for".

So, here I am not hours engaged and I know I need to have a serious talk with my betrothed about a couple of marital issues. It can not wait. If I don't speak now I will most assuredly have to forever hold my peace. I am woman. That can be very hard to do. Yup. Needs to be said.

First, I don't do throw-up. I throw up, of course (maybe only 4 or 5 times in my life) but still I am human, I throw up. What I can't handle is other people's vomit. I mean there is a real phobia about this and I have it. I'm not proud of this but I have actually jumped out of a moving car because some drunk idiot I was driving (yes, I was the driver, but to my credit we were at a stop sign so at most it was 2 or 3 miles per hour and I was able to jump back in when I noticed the car wasn't in park) was going to lose it in my car - correction - my mother's car. It's bad. I know. Fortunately, vomiting never really happened a lot in my family. And fortunately I don't have a lot of drunken idiots for friends. Any hooooo...I knew my husband and I wanted a family. Lots of little people running around and screwing up our perfectly quiet, clean'll be awesome! Then came the nagging thought about children and vomiting. OMG!!! Kids do this all the time, right?? WTF! I am not going to be able to handle that! Who the hell is going to clean up the puke?

Second, I love Sting. I just do. I've loved him since I was seventeen and "Ghost in the Machine" was released. I've seen him in concert, watched all the sappy movies he's been in, own many of his c.d.s. I fantasize about a lot of beautiful actors, singers...(sorry honey) but with Sting it's different. I am hoping to retire to Italy in the hopes of running into him at the local market. Trudy and my husband have either died or well...I don't spend much time on that part of the fantasy, as you can well imagine. So, what am I going to do on the off chance that Sting comes into my life and wants to be with me? And I'm married? I love my husband, but this is Sting. This needs to be addressed.

I thought it would be difficult bringing these up to my guy. But it wasn't. I explained in gory detail all of it (minus a few details with Sting, 'cause I don't need to rub that in). He was fine with it, with both issues - what a guy!

He said that if and when a child vomits he will take care of it. "What if it happens at work?" He said to close the door of the room it happened in, call him and he'll come home. Yipee!!!

He said that if Sting came into my life, wanted me, he would give us our blessings and may we be very happy together. Double Yipee!!!

Flash forward 20 years. We have four awesome kids that...get this....NEVER throw up.

Now I'm thinking. My husband made a deal that with all the vomit from four children, he would clean it and it has so far become a non-issue. He also agreed that if Sting came into my life, I could go off happily with him ...and...

Awwwww crap!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I Blame Dateline...

...or some TV show like that.

If it wasn't for them and their stupid exposes (I don't know where that little mark on my keyboard to put over the second e is) on gross things that people do, I never would have thought of it. I never would have to have spent a good chunk of my vacation time thinking about hidden cameras.

We've all seen the episode(s) where they expose (this is the word without the little mark) the guy who installs a hidden camera in a hotel room or the bathroom or the reputable clothing store that hides cameras in their dressing rooms. It makes most people think "hmmmmm...people are weird". It makes me think "hmmmm...this is a lovely rental cottage. What if the owners are pervs and they've installed cameras in the bathroom or bedroom or even weirder, in the kitchen." "What if they get off on watching me eat a muffin (Yes, I said that. Aren't you glad I didn't say banana?) or God forbid my shower rituals."

And speaking of shower rituals, what if I am doing it all wrong? What if it's not shampoo, conditioner, shave legs while you wait that 1-3 minutes for the conditioner to work, rinse, soap up, rinse and towel off.

But that's not really what's bothering me and you know it. How would we ever be able to prove that there are hidden cameras? We can't. I mentioned it to my sister and husband who both shrugged their shoulders and said "Well, if we don't know about it, who cares. If they post it on Youtube, then we'd have a problem."

Really? I'm grossed out now that my vacation is over and I'm thinking of Hank and Carol (not real names) sitting down to watch. Do they have popcorn? Are they laughing when they watch? Rewinding the good parts? Do they ever invite friends over?

Good Lord, did I ever drop the soap??

Saturday, August 7, 2010

I'm Straight

Few understand the torment, few can sympathize with the awful teen years, few know, really know, what it is like to hide the person you know you really are. But I am here to tell you all that there is hope, there are ways to help you so that you no longer have to feel persecuted! Okay, that last sentence may have been a little over the top.

You see, I grew up with this frizzy, curly little mop on the top of my head.

The longer this mop grew the bigger and frizzier it got (think Bozo). It was kept short for many, many reasons least of which was the fear that a spider would nest in it and give birth to all her little spider babies. 'Cause you know I would never realize it until mommy spider had to build a web to collect food for her 132 babies. It would certainly be hard to miss a webby structure. But then may not have been that hard to miss. The web may have only been glimpsed when the sun hit it just right or after a summer rain. So, really, maybe I could have gone through the whole "spider episode" unscathed. I'll never know.

There were no hair products for this atrocity. Well, there probably were, but none that I or my hair dresser knew about or none that I could afford. No one had ever mentioned a Brazilian Blow Out to me (it may have had a different meaning back in the '80s). I was stuck. Stuck as an awkward teen with an even more awkward head of hair. Like I said, few really understand this.

So, when I turned 40 and my now very much informed and knowledgeable hair dresser asked me if I wanted to try straightening my hair, I laughed. "Oh, this hair can not be straightened. If you blow dry this bad boy, it will take on a life of its own and I can't be responsible for the damage that may ensue". She was not daunted.

She began. When she had finished only the bottom half of my head, I yelled at her to stop. She thought I was upset. I glanced at my reflection and took my right hand and did something I only ever dreamed of doing. I've watched girls do this over and over. I've seen actresses do it and felt a strange longing. I just never, ever thought I would ever be in the same club: I flicked my hair behind my shoulder. "Ta Da!" Are you kidding me? I flicked!! It was better than I ever could have imagined. Ever!!! I can flick!

It has been five years. It never gets old. I love, love, love my hair.

Now don't get me wrong, with all the products they have for frizzy, curly hair, I have now embraced my curls. I've since grown that little mop out and get it styled and highlighted etc.. The days I am curly are fun, bouncy days. My hairdresser says I look beachy with my curls. I love that!

But every couple of weeks, when the mood strikes me and I'm feeling all sassy and in need of a good flick. You bet I'm straight!!!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Back Out Of All This Now Too Much For Us

I love saying this title – from the Robert Frost poem Directive – it just sort of rolls off the tongue. I love it even more now that I want to live it!

I am not really thinking about packing up and moving the family to the Tuscan hills of Italy (wait...that sounds really nice...we could pick our own grapes or is it olives? We could walk to the market to get cheese, wine and bread, I would wear one of those flowered flowing would be really peaceful...).

No. I am thinking about mindful living during the every day insanity. Finding the moments to feel connected to the places, people and things you choose to surround yourself with daily.

Being present is something I have been working on lately. It is a difficult practice, one I have a hard time with myself. Clearing the mind of all thought - whew! I can manage that for about 10 seconds and inevitably someone comes knocking. It's okay, I read somewhere that that is all part of it. Try and keep the guests at bay. Mindful living is, at its core, why we are all here, no? To soak up the events of our day as they are occurring is a blessing, to be completely focused is inspirational. But dang hard. Even as I write this, I am fighting the guests that want me to think about dinner, c'mon guys...gimme just 10 seconds.

But, I must say that when things go a little bonkers around here, I think these words and focus on what's happening in my life and for a moment, a moment, mind you, I CAN back out of all this...and boy...does it feel good!!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

If You Need A Good Laugh

Now, normally I don't care what celebrities are wearing. I never watch the Red Carpet shows where they fawn all over the vintage gown or laugh that the celeb could be that blind. Swans on your dress? Whatever. I have seen things on the cover of Vogue that make me shake my head, but it's fashion so what do I know?

But what has made me laugh in the last couple days is a blog I stumbled upon (oh, I found that site, by the by) the other day: From what I have surmised in the last day or two of pouring through this blog, is there are two women writing and trashing celebs in their choice of clothing. Again, not really that interesting, to me - but it's how funny they actually are. Really funny! They insert the word FUG (from fugly) in everything from the the celeb's name to what they are wearing to conversations they pretend the celebs are having. I'm sorry, it is just plain funny. Check it out and see if I'm wrong.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

I Love My Caller-ID. There, I said it!

"Do you, Di, promise never to pick up a call from anyone you don't want to hear from?"

"I Do."

"Do you, Di, promise to call back the person you'd like to hear from but who had the misfortune of calling during Drop Dead Diva?"

"I Do."

"Do you, Di, promise to donate to charities of your choosing after not accepting a call from one you do not chose to donate?"

"I Do."

"And do you, Di, promise to feel complete elation knowing you dodged a call from a either a political interviewer or a telemarketer?"

"Oh, I most definitely will."

"I now pronounce you proud owner of a phone with Caller ID. You may never answer the phone again."


Didn't Your Mom Ever Teach You About Sharing?

I'm in the middle of a crisis.

I love to read. I love to buy and share books. I love going to the library and borrowing books. I love talking about books that I loved reading (I'm on Goodreads, look me up). It used to be so easy. Buy a book, share the ones you love, put the ones you don't love on a shelf and hopefully remember that you didn't love it when you pull it down 5 years later to reread.

Life was great. It was all so simple when sharing that good book gave you a thrill. When you couldn't wait for your friend to finish so you could both gab about it. Sharing... such a great concept.

So now they've come up with an ereader. Okay, I'm intrigued. I love gadgets and this electronic device allows me to download books (in seconds). Wow - that's fantastic! Sign me up. Wait...what? I can't share my books? Hold the phone. You're taking half the fun away. I don't want to tell someone they have to buy this great book. Some of these books are $9.99. This may seem like peanuts compared to the hardcover book, but it adds up. What if my friend hated my book selection and spent good money on it? Nope, gotta share.I know the Nook will allow you to share with someone up to two weeks. That's hardly enough time for me to read, say..Pillars of the Earth. And then what happens? You wake up to find your book gone? Eek, that would be too awful!

Why, Why, Why can't you just pass a book along? "They are not making money when you do that." Yah, well, I have 5 books that my friend just gave me sitting on my desk, no one is making money on those either. "It's like iTunes, you can't share songs". Well, a song is a buck. When they sell the books for a buck, maybe I won't have a leg to stand on.

I think that more people would buy the Kindle, the Nook and the iPad if we could all share our books. More people would buy books so they could get the thrill of sharing said books, am I wrong?? I bet I would actually buy MORE books than I buy now 'cause it would be easier to purchase, easier to share and they are less expensive than the actual book.

I am reading a book on a borrowed Kindle right now and I love it. I thought I would miss the page turning and feel of a book, but I got right over that. With the click of a button, I am on the page where I left off. The font can be increased (my mom loves that!). The "book" will never be any bigger than the size of the Kindle and fits in my purse. I really do love this. What I can't get over, and frankly, really won't ever get over is not being able to pass a book on when I'm done reading.

Come on, guys, be nice...share!